Elf and Safety at the MOD

The Momentous Decision by the Health and
Safety Executive to audit the Profession of Soldiering
in an attempt to eliminate Casualties


It were Government’s latest folly
at settled it for me  -
putting ealth and safety people
onto work at M.o.D
I dont think at t’army
needs a jumped up civvy clerk
to analyse t’dangers
of t’artillery at work.
They ruled  ‘at none o’tarmourers
may load more than one shell
and they must wear industrial gloves
and safety ‘ats as well.
T’officer in charge o’t gun
what’s firing 50 rounds
can only target t’enemy
when they’re clear o’t towns

They hit a snag wi t’RAF,
pilots blew a fuse
when they measured the cross section
of the armour round t’aircrews.
They upped the specification by 84 per cent
but when it cum to take off
the buggers never went!
Bombs were checked for shelf life
some  past their “drop by” date
and were designated  “only use
on another friendly State.”

T’infantry was ordered
“no kipping in bivouacs”
they’ve all been issued camp beds
to save ‘em from bad backs.
Those of ‘em what’s snipers
is banned from climbing trees
they can only go on sniping
if they do it on their knees.
They’ll be equipped with knee-pads
like a “Peeping Tom’s” protection
but camouflage cream is vetoed
as it ruins their complexion.

Worst off is t’commandoes
and their mates in’ t Fifth Para
they’ve been banned from baling out
‘cos the exit door’s too narrer.
Now,when they’re to be deployed
instead o’ using chutes
they travel first class  Eurostar 
on scheduled service routes.
When they arrive at fightin’,relaxed and in good heart
they surrender all their duty free before they make a start.

The way the country’s being run
is absolutely barmy
Health and Safety staffing level
outnumbers t’bloody army.

John Cooper © Copyright 2011-2019 All Rights Reserved.

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